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September 5, 2018

Does Anyone Else Struggle?

I just finished reading Girl Wash Your Face so I’m super inspired and motivated to make some changes in my life. First off… I STRUGGLE with balance. This is not my first time to confess, repent and turn right back to what I know. When I left my “real” job which I hate when people call it that, I swore I would be a devoted wife, homemaker mom, field trip lover, best Christmas cookie gifter and over all super domesticated nester. Well, you can ask Lambert how that worked out. At first I just wanted to dabble in photography and pick up a few customers during the Holidays to earn a little spending cash. Then it became something more and more and more. Before I knew it I was “dabbling” in every area of photography from families and babies, to head shots,commercial work and whatever would stand still so I could photograph it. I LOVE so many genres of photography and I love learning new techniques that I find myself jumping from one thing to the next a lot… I also recently took the Enneagram Test which if you know me you won’t be surprised that I am a 7… I don’t put a lot of stock in personality tests but this one pretty much NAILS me in every area of life. I won’t go into detail but SHEESH. So its also not a surprise that I lack balance according to Enneagram. The problem is I LOVE what I do. I can work day and night shooting, editing, learning, and growing. I want to talk about it all the time and read everything photography related/business I can get my hands on. I want to be better at what I do and it never seems to be enough. I have blown off friendships, quiet times in The Word, appointments and personal health because I HAVE to get back to work. Sometimes I get out of bed in the middle of the night just to edit something that won’t let me sleep. Thanks to Rachel Hollis, I can forego the  years of counseling because it hit me about mid way through her book. I feel the need to prove myself to feel self worth. Am I alone in this? I want to be the best and in my moments of clarity I know that this isn’t even an attainable goal because its totally subjective. Who is the best? Someone will always be better. What even defines best for a creative? Do I need a shiny trophy, or just affirmation, more followers, or Likes?

I wish I could say for certain that this would be the time I figure it all out and maintain a healthy balance between work and family and relationships.  Only time will tell. The one thing I have been committed to, is  giving myself some grace. What I really desire is to be the best me. That means all of me. I am an entrepreneur and a  wife and mother. I also need friendships in my life. A wise friend said these words to me a few years back and at the time I was so offended. “Shelly, it takes commitment to foster friendships”. or something close to those words. I was at point in my life that I was just trying to keep my head above water with my work and my immediate family, there was NO way I felt I could be invested in another relationship. I’ve gone days and even weeks without talking to extended family because I’ve been wrapped up in a project or edit.   I don’t even realize that much time has passed and then I feel awful. I want to be present and intentional with my family and friends.

So heres to finding balance and healthy boundaries for all the rest of you #7 enneagrammers and girl boss entrepreneurs!
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